ROBERT WALSH's work has been published in Pindeldyboz, Write Gallery, Molly's Muse, Eclectica Magazine, Small Spiral Notebook, surlyheckler, Zinos.com, The Swamp, and Bold Opinion. He has recently completed his first memoir, Catholescence, and is currently working on a collection of his short stories.

                                 a reading from the gospel according to ralph


Dear Mrs. Callahan,

I want to apologize for my recent behavior in your Sunday School class. I remember you saying last Sunday, "make the most out of your time here." I realize that you were referring specifically to the dioramas depicting the Twelve Stations of the Cross that we were making out of old cereal boxes. However, I would also like to "make the most" out of my time here, alone in my room, while being forced to write letters of apology to the entire staff of the St. Edward's Sunday school program.

First of all, I would be happy to stop referring to those in our class preparing for their First Communion as "cannibals in training" if you would agree with me that eating the Body of Christ is a rather extreme way of showing our affection. How about a carrot instead?

Secondly, I think that there should be some middle ground between us regarding my contention that Joseph was guilty of gross negligence in the training of his son in a suitable trade. Jesus was a lousy carpenter, a fact that is made obvious by the fact that we never see him make so much as a table in the entire New Testament. As a result, Jesus is forced to become shepherd, and we all know where that led. Maybe if Joseph had been a little more diligent, Jesus would be alive today.

As for the "incident" that led to my most recent suspension from the program, might I remind you that it was Jesus himself that turned water into wine? My attempt to reverse-engineer this phenomenon using a bottle from Father Miller's secret stash of Blue Nun wine should really be hailed as an act of supreme initiative by a student exploring the tenets of his faith. Johnny Toelander sits and picks his nose until it bleeds, but he doesn't get kicked out! No wonder Christianity is fast losing ground to Islam around the world.

Last but not least, I'd like to make a formal appeal for you to cease your needless and inflammatory communications with my mother. Are you aware of her heart condition? Probably not, because she would rather suffer in silence (unlike some people I know). Every time she opens one of your nasty notes, I have to worry about her heart bursting like a ripe grape. Please, we have already had one innocent man killed because of a misunderstanding; let's learn from our mistakes!

Sincerely,

Ralph Saunders

P.S. My mom has made it clear that if I am unable to get back into the Sunday School program this time, she will refrain from any further attempts to intervene. She said that this time I will simply have to live with the decision of my teachers, whatever the outcome... In other words, you and I might never see each other again... I think you see where I am going here. Let's make sure that everybody's happy this time, ok?

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© 2003 Robert Walsh